7.除了一紙婚書(shū)，婚姻再無(wú)意義

　　Remember when you first decided – or someone decided for you in terms resembling an "offeryou couldn't refuse" – that it was time to get married? Remember all of the paper work youhad to fill out? Blood tests, marriage license, all sorts of other forms and miscellaneous legalformalities – it's only the tip of the iceberg, friend. Indeed, there is much, much more to come.

　　還記得什么時(shí)候自己第一次覺(jué)得該嫁娶妻了嗎?還記得哪天別人開(kāi)始義正言辭得說(shuō)"你該成家了"嗎? 還記得你曾填過(guò)的各式文件嗎?血液檢查、結(jié)婚證、各類(lèi)表格和繁雜法律手續(xù)—-這只不過(guò)是冰山一角罷了。要知道你(如果結(jié)婚)要面對(duì)的，遠(yuǎn)不止這些。

　　When it's time to fill out all the forms for your newly opened joint bank account, you'll besigning your life – and an inevitably large chunk of your future finances – drearily away. Whenit's time to fill out all the paper work for your shared health insurance, you'll be sighing awayas more precious hours of your life pass by. And there's more, much more, to come.

　　當(dāng)你填寫(xiě)新開(kāi)的聯(lián)合銀行賬戶(hù)表格時(shí)，你的生活—未來(lái)的大筆財(cái)富也同時(shí)消失在你的筆尖下。當(dāng)你簽下共享健康保險(xiǎn)時(shí)，你將感嘆美好時(shí)光一去不復(fù)返。還有太多太多即將發(fā)生。

　　When you really stop to take a good hard look at it all – and we imagine you're doing so now asyou read this – you'll realize that the state of being married is essentially a large, formallylegal, fiction. Does being married solve all of your intense personal issues, or does it merelycreate new and less immediately solvable problems?

　　若你停下來(lái)認(rèn)真審視這一切—設(shè)想你現(xiàn)在應(yīng)該已經(jīng)這樣做了—你會(huì)意識(shí)到婚姻其實(shí)不過(guò)是部長(zhǎng)篇(合法的)虛幻小說(shuō)而已。結(jié)婚真能解決所有緊張的人際關(guān)系嗎?還是，它僅僅是制造了新的、不需要馬上解決的問(wèn)題罷了?

　　Does the fact that the two of you have cosigned a marriage license really make you that muchmore in love with, and committed to, each other? Whose idea was it to sign this paper,anyhow? Yours? Your spouses? Her parents? Was it peer pressure from your friends or yourchurch? This is a question worth inquiring into.

　　結(jié)婚證真的能夠讓你們更愛(ài)對(duì)方或者更忠于對(duì)方嗎?到底是誰(shuí)讓你們決定領(lǐng)證?你?你老婆?她的父母?你的朋友或教會(huì)?這真是個(gè)值得探究的問(wèn)題。

　　6.Marriage Means Sticking To The Plan – No More Spontaneity

　　6.婚姻跟著計(jì)劃走——再無(wú)激情

　　Do you enjoy going crazy on the weekend? Driving up to Brooklyn on a whim and partying withyour best friend's brother's cousin's uncle's boss' nephew at a new Italian themed night clubthat just opened up? If so, plan on never doing so again. You've got a wife to come home to,paper work to fill out, dinner to eat, dishes to clean, television shows to watch, and a full nightof doing exactly what you did the previous four nights to look forward to. Sounds great, huh?It's your life when you're married, partner.

　　你喜歡周末狂歡嗎?比如一時(shí)興起直接開(kāi)車(chē)去布魯克林，在一家新開(kāi)的意大利主題夜總會(huì)和你好朋友的兄弟的表弟的叔叔的老板的侄子開(kāi)派對(duì)?如果你喜歡這樣，那就做好與此絕別的打算。你有老婆，得回;你有工作，得做;你有晚飯，得吃;你有盤(pán)子，得刷;你有節(jié)目，得看;你有一個(gè)與前四天如出一轍的夜晚，來(lái)期盼。聽(tīng)上去不錯(cuò)是吧?這就是你的婚后生活了，伙計(jì)。

　　Sure, you'll hear about married couples who manage to keep the "spontaneity" alive in theirmarriage. These are Fortune 500 execs and hotel heiresses who can afford to fly (frequentlyseparately) to any breezy location in the world that they please. The rest of us don't have it sogood. Spontaneity is a dead letter in a middle class marriage. What truly prevails is routine,and the desperate need to play things safely so as not to introduce some new and terrifyingpretense for misunderstanding and resultant bickering.

　　當(dāng)然，你會(huì)聽(tīng)說(shuō)有些已婚夫婦在婚后依舊充滿(mǎn)"激情"。世界五百?gòu)?qiáng)的老板們或者酒店繼承者們完全可以如其所愿地(經(jīng)常是兵分兩路地)飛到世界上任何一個(gè)如沐春風(fēng)的地方，而我們卻不能。所謂激情對(duì)中產(chǎn)階級(jí)夫婦來(lái)說(shuō)一紙空文，實(shí)際上一切仍按照既有路線(xiàn)發(fā)生著，即便分開(kāi)玩也要玩得小心翼翼，避免出現(xiàn)新情況，還要謹(jǐn)慎偽裝自己，以免引起誤會(huì)最終導(dǎo)致?tīng)?zhēng)吵。

　　If you have children, you can count on the drudgery to become even worse. You can't have ababysitter in every night if you expect to actually get to know your children. And, for obviousreasons, you can't be partying on the other side of town when they are going through theirfirst few pivotal life events. While witnessing these events is certainly a rewarding experience,the monotony that surrounds them may prove unendurable.

　　如果家中有孩子，那就視自己如苦工并接受更悲慘的生活吧。你要是想真正了解自己的孩子，就不能天天晚上請(qǐng)保姆。而另個(gè)顯而易見(jiàn)的理由，你不能因?yàn)樵诔鞘械牧硪活^開(kāi)派對(duì)而錯(cuò)過(guò)孩子生命中至關(guān)重要的第一次?？v然看著孩子的這些第一次彌足珍貴，但圍繞在周身的枯燥恐怕依舊難以忍耐。

　　5.Marriage Is Constant "Compromise" (MeaningYou Lose, No Matter What)

　　5.婚姻就是無(wú)休止的妥協(xié)--你輸了，你輸了，還是你輸了

　　One of the things that your father or fatherconfessor will continually attempt to drill into yourhead before you take the plunge is that marriageessentially consists of an endless series ofcompromises. Now, this is where your recollectionof the earliest events of your childhood ought to kickin. To wit, do you remember the various argumentsand disagreements that your mother and fatherengaged in while you were living under their roof? Who won the majority of those arguments?

　　結(jié)婚之前，你的父親或者神父絕對(duì)會(huì)做的事情之一，就是試圖源源不斷地向你的腦袋里灌輸一個(gè)概念：婚姻實(shí)際上包含著無(wú)窮無(wú)盡的妥協(xié)。那么現(xiàn)下就到了找尋你童年回憶的時(shí)候。比如說(shuō)，曾與父母同住一個(gè)屋檐下的你是否記得他們的各種爭(zhēng)吵?多數(shù)情況是誰(shuí)吵贏了?

　　Sure, your Dad could always lead off strong with the "I'm the bread winner" charge. But wasn'tyour Mom quick to counter with "Who does the shopping, the clothes folding, the nose wipingfor the four year old, etc.?" When all else fails, she fought dirty: Cue up the old reliable waterworks! Your Dad really never had a chance.

　　沒(méi)錯(cuò)，老爸一般會(huì)理直氣壯地搬出"錢(qián)是我掙來(lái)的"這個(gè)理由，但老媽是不是瞬間列舉出"娃四歲的時(shí)候誰(shuí)給娃買(mǎi)東西、誰(shuí)給娃疊衣服、誰(shuí)給娃擦鼻涕……"?當(dāng)一切理由都無(wú)濟(jì)于事時(shí)，老媽就出損招：讓老爸難享性福!如此一來(lái)老爸就真心無(wú)計(jì)可施了。

　　Yes, he could stage a "down tools" protest for a couple of hours by heading over to hisbrother's house to drink a few beers and commiserate in the garage. But, sooner or later, he'dbe back, doing exactly what he didn't want to be doing, with the person that he would leastenjoy doing it with. Some compromise, eh, Sharky?

　　老爸的確是會(huì)以"罷工"抵抗上那么幾個(gè)小時(shí)，去他弟兄的家里喝上點(diǎn)啤酒，在車(chē)庫(kù)湊合一段時(shí)間，但過(guò)不了多久他就回來(lái)了，仍舊做他不想做的事，還是和他不愿意一起的人一起。一種妥協(xié)，對(duì)吧，老兄?

　　Of course, here and there, you'll win a few small victories. You'll get to keep a few of your oldhigh school yearbooks or a few Kiss concert T-shirts that you've almost, but not quite,outgrown. The rest of this compromise business is her domain, which she permits you to livein –pro tempore.

　　當(dāng)然了，你多多少少還是能贏得點(diǎn)兒勝利，比如說(shuō)可以留著舊時(shí)高中時(shí)期的年鑒或者僅有的幾件有唇印的演唱會(huì)T恤，僅此而已，不能再多了，剩下的全部是她的領(lǐng)域，還是在她的同意下暫時(shí)留給你一，席，之，地。

　　4.Did You Enjoy The Premarital Sex? Good, Because Post Marriage Sex Is A Myth, MuchLike Nessie And Bigfoot

　　4.你曾享受過(guò)婚前性生活嗎?那就好，因?yàn)榛楹笮陨罹褪莻€(gè)傳說(shuō)，就像尼斯湖水怪和大腳怪一樣

　　Remember all the sweet good times you and your Significant Other had in the sack before youtied the knot? Let's hope they were good enough – and plentiful – enough to last you a lifetime. As it turns out, you'll need those sweet memories to see you through a long, intercoursefree desert of married life, which -need we remind you? – is currently scheduled to last untildeath do you part.

　　還記得在踏入婚姻的墳?zāi)骨?，你跟另一半度過(guò)的那段抵死纏綿的時(shí)光嗎?希望這段時(shí)光足夠美好、足夠豐富，能夠讓你終生難忘。因?yàn)槭聦?shí)證明，你可能需要用這段甜蜜的回憶來(lái)填補(bǔ)婚后長(zhǎng)期欲求不滿(mǎn)造成的精神與肉體的雙重空虛。還有什么需要提醒你的呢?嗯——那就是從現(xiàn)在開(kāi)始，好好計(jì)劃在有生之年怎么維持你的婚姻吧。

　　The fact of the matter, in case you haven't guessed, is that sexual intercourse decreasessharply after marriage. There's a million logical (and perfectly joyless) reasons why this is so.To begin with, if children are the immediate sequel of your first few weeks of honeymoon sex,you can just imagine how strong your wife's aversion to further potential "accidents" mightbecome.

　　你完全意想不到的是，婚后的"性福"指數(shù)會(huì)急劇下降，并且會(huì)有無(wú)數(shù)個(gè)正當(dāng)(完全扯蛋)的理由來(lái)破壞你的性生活。首先，你只需想象一下妻子為了這個(gè)"潛在的小意外"會(huì)做出多大的改變，你就知道在新婚的蜜月期立刻造出一個(gè)小人的假設(shè)是多么的愚蠢。

　　If children are indeed involved in your life, you can likewise imagine how sharp of a toll thatlooking after the little bundles of joy will take on your potential allotment of sack whoopie time.

　　如果你們確實(shí)孕育出了一個(gè)小生命，你就可以想象一下要分配出無(wú)限多的時(shí)間來(lái)照顧小孩是件多么坑爹的事情!

　　There will come a stressful, intercourse free, period during which your little toddler(s) will wantto sleep with Mommy and Daddy so as to avoid the monster in the closet. There will come atime when Mommy will simply be so worn out after a stressful day at the office that she will befast asleep in the bed by the time you've finished brushing your teeth. Prepare for the comingdrought.

　　當(dāng)孩子還處于為了躲避衣櫥里的怪物吵著要跟爸媽睡的年齡段時(shí)，你就甭想有和諧的性生活了。當(dāng)孩子他媽因?yàn)楦邏焊邚?qiáng)度的工作而累得沾枕即睡時(shí)，你也只能洗洗睡了。所以，準(zhǔn)備好面對(duì)婚后性生活的"旱季"吧。