帶宗教色彩的英語笑話大全

　　How can I get into heaven 我怎么才能上天堂

　　"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

　　"No!" the children all answered.

　　"If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

　　Again, the answer was, "No!"

　　"Well, " I continued, "then how can I get into heaven?"

　　A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

　　“如果我把房子和車賣了，在車庫舉行義賣, 并把所有的錢給窮人，我能進(jìn)天堂嗎?”我問主日學(xué)校的孩子。

　　孩子們齊聲回答：“不能!”

　　“那如果我每天都打掃教堂，給院子的草坪割草，并且把東西都收拾得干凈整潔，我會(huì)上天堂嗎?”

　　回答還是：“不能!”“好吧， ”我繼續(xù)問, “那我要怎樣才能升天堂呢?”

　　一個(gè)五歲的男孩兒叫道：“你得死了才行!”

　　Snorer 瞌睡者

　　The preacher was vexed(生氣的) because a certain member of his congregation(集會(huì)，圣會(huì)) always fell asleep during the sermon.

　　As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven, please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise."

　　Awaking with a start(嚇一跳) , the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacherstanding tall and angry in the pulpit(講道壇) , "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."

　　牧師非常生氣，因?yàn)榭傆幸粋€(gè)人在他說教時(shí)打瞌睡。

　　一個(gè)星期天，正當(dāng)坐在前排的那個(gè)人又在瞌睡時(shí)，牧師決定要好好教育他一下，讓他不要再在布道時(shí)睡覺。于是他低聲對信徒們說：“想去天堂的人，都請站起來吧。”所有的人都站了起來——當(dāng)然，除了那個(gè)打瞌睡的人。在低聲說過請坐后，牧師高聲喊道：“想去下地獄的人請站起來!”

　　打瞌睡的人被這突然的喊叫聲驚醒了，他站了起來?？吹侥翈煾哒驹诮虊希鷼獾目粗?。這個(gè)人說道：“噢，先生，我不知道我們在選什么，但看上去只有你和我是候選人。”

　　Three pastors 三個(gè)牧師

　　Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft(閣樓) and attic at church. I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away.

　　Another said, Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry(鐘樓) and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumigated(熏制) , and they still won’t go away.

　　The third said, I baptized(洗禮) all mine, and made them members of the church...haven’t seen one back since!

　　三個(gè)南部的牧師在一家小餐館里吃午飯。其中的一個(gè)說道：“你們知道嗎，自從夏天來臨，我的教堂的閣樓和頂樓就被蝙蝠騷擾，我用盡了一切辦法----噪音、噴霧、貓----似乎什么都不能把它們趕走。”

　　另外一位說：“是啊，我也是。在我的鐘樓和閣樓也有好幾百只。我曾經(jīng)請人把整個(gè)地方用煙熏消毒一遍，它們還是趕不走。”

　　第三個(gè)牧師說：“我為我那里的所有蝙蝠洗禮，讓它們成為教會(huì)的一員......從此一只也沒有再回來過。”

　　Three pastors 三個(gè)牧師的故事

　　Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything----noise, spray, cats----nothing seems to scare them away.

　　Another said, Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I’ve been had the place fumigated, and they still won’t go away.

　　The third said, I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...haven’t seen one back since!

　　三個(gè)牧師的故事

　　三個(gè)南部的牧師在一家小餐館里吃午飯。其中的一個(gè)說道：“你們知道嗎，自從夏天來臨，我的教堂的閣樓和頂樓就被蝙蝠騷擾，我用盡了一切辦法----噪音、噴霧、貓----似乎什么都不能把它們趕走。”

　　另外一位說：“是啊，我也是。在我的鐘樓和閣樓也有好幾百只。我曾經(jīng)請人把整個(gè)地方用煙熏消毒一遍，它們還是趕不走。”

　　第三個(gè)牧師說：“我為我那里的所有蝙蝠洗禮，讓它們成為教會(huì)的一員......從此一只也沒有再回來過。”