下面是學(xué)習(xí)啦小編整理的英語(yǔ)搞笑冷笑話，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　英語(yǔ)搞笑冷笑話：DID YOUR DAD HELP YOU?

　　One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him, You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?

　　No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself, said Tim.

　　你爸爸幫你了嗎?

　　一天，蒂姆的數(shù)學(xué)老師看了他的作業(yè)，發(fā)現(xiàn)他全做對(duì)了。老師很高興，同時(shí)也十分驚訝。他把蒂姆叫到桌前說(shuō)：蒂姆，你這次的作業(yè)全都做對(duì)了，怎么回事?你爸爸幫你做了嗎? 不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做了。

　　英語(yǔ)搞笑冷笑話：

　　I had a schoolmate who had come into school at an age later than usual，and could hardly read.There was a book used by the leaners in reading calledDialogues between a Missionary and an Indian.It was a poor performance，full of inconclusive arguments and other commonplaces.The boy in question used to appear with this book in his hand in the middle of the school，the master standing behind him.

　　The lesson was to begin.The poor fellow，whose great fault lay in a deep toned drawl of his syllable and the omission of his stops，stood half looking at the book，and half casting his eye towards the right of him， whence the blows were to proceed.The master looked over him，and his hand was ready.I am not exact in my quotation at this distance of time ;but the spirit of one of the passages that I recollect was to the following purport，and thus did the teacher and his pupil proceed：

　　Master.Now，young man，have a care ;or I'll set you a swingeing task.(A common phrase of his.)

　　Pupil(making a sort of heavy bolt at his calamity，and neverremembering his stop at the wordMissionary).Missionary Can you see the wind?

　　(Master gives him a aslap on thehcheek.)

　　Pupil(raising his voice to a cry，and still forgetting his stop).Indian No!

　　Master.Zounds，young man!have a care how you provoke me!

　　Pupil(always forgetting the stop).Missionary How then do you know that there is such a thing?

　　(Here a terrible thump.)

　　Pupil(with a shout of agony). Indian Because I feel it.

　　當(dāng)年我有個(gè)同學(xué)，入學(xué)比常規(guī)的年齡要遲，而且?guī)缀跬耆粫?huì)讀書。那時(shí)有個(gè)學(xué)生用的閱讀課本，叫做《傳教士和印第安人的對(duì)話》。課本不怎么樣，盡是不得要領(lǐng)的論說(shuō)和一些老生常談。那孩子常常手拿該課本出現(xiàn)在學(xué)校中央，身后站著教師。

　　授課即將開(kāi)始。那可憐的學(xué)生的毛病在于他讀音節(jié)時(shí)語(yǔ)調(diào)深沉地拖長(zhǎng)腔并略去應(yīng)有的停頓。他站立著，三心二意地看著書，一面向身子右邊瞄去，因?yàn)榇驌魧?huì)來(lái)自那個(gè)方向。教師盯視著他，手已擺出了打人的架勢(shì)。因?yàn)闀r(shí)隔已久，我的引述可能不很確切，但就我所憶，先生和學(xué)生的一次對(duì)話的要旨大致如下：

　　老師：年輕人，小心點(diǎn);要不我可要讓你狠狠吃點(diǎn)苦頭。(這是他的口頭禪。)

　　學(xué)生：(大難臨頭，身體猛然一搖閃，根本記不得在傳教士一詞后應(yīng)該停頓。)傳教士你能看見(jiàn)風(fēng)嗎?

　　(教師扇了他一耳光。)

　　學(xué)生：(提高了嗓音，幾乎是在哭喊，但仍不記得要停頓)印第安人不能啊!

　　教師：該死!年輕人，小心點(diǎn)別惹我發(fā)火!

　　學(xué)生：(一如既往漏掉停頓)傳教士那你怎么知道有這樣一種東西呢?

　　(這時(shí)來(lái)了重重一擊。)

　　學(xué)生：(痛苦地叫喊)印第安人因?yàn)槲腋杏X(jué)到了。

　　英語(yǔ)搞笑冷笑話：

　　Mr.Green went to Germany，because he had some work there.He came back last Monday，and his young wife met him at the airport.They walked to their car and passed a tall，pretty air hostess.Mr.Green said to her，Goodbye，Miss Harris， and the air hostess smiled and saidGoodbye too.

　　Mrs.Green stopped and looked at the air hostess.Then she said to her husband，How did you know her name?

　　That was easy，answered Mr.Green.The names of the captain and all the crew were on a piece of paper in front of our sests.

　　What was the name of the captain?Mrs.Green asked with a smile.

　　Mr.Green laughed and answered，I don't remember any of the other names.

　　格林去了德國(guó)，因?yàn)樗谀抢镉行┕ぷ饕?。他上星期一回?guó)，他年輕的妻子到機(jī)場(chǎng)去接他。他們向他們的汽車走去，遇見(jiàn)了一位高挑、漂亮的空中小姐。格林先生對(duì)她說(shuō)：再見(jiàn)，哈里斯小姐。那位空中小姐莞爾一笑，也說(shuō)了聲再見(jiàn)。

　　格林夫人停下來(lái)，看看那位空中小姐，然后她問(wèn)她丈夫：你怎么知道她的名字?

　　這很容易，格林先生回答。機(jī)長(zhǎng)和機(jī)組全體人員的名單都寫在我們座位前的一張紙上。

　　那機(jī)長(zhǎng)叫什么名字?格林夫人笑著問(wèn)。

　　格林先生笑著答道：我不記得其他任何人的名字。

　　英語(yǔ)搞笑冷笑話：

　　Uncle Silas had lighted his pipe for a comfortable smoke, when Aunt Rebecca looked up from her knitting and said: Silas, do you know that Sunday next will be the thirtieth anniversary of our wedding?

　　I swan，said Silas，is that so，and what about it?

　　拍賣會(huì)上 At Auction Fair

　　At auction spot, someone has lost a bag, in which has the vital document.

　　The owner says, "Once who picked it up brings it to me, I will take out 200 dollars to remunerate reward him or her."

　　On hearing the news, another chap(小伙子，家伙) shouts out:" I reward 300 dollars."

　　拍賣會(huì)上，有人的包丟了，里面裝有重要文件。物主說(shuō)：“有誰(shuí)揀到送還，我將拿出200美元以表酬謝。”

　　話剛出口，就聽(tīng)有人喊：“我出300美元。”

　　英語(yǔ)搞笑冷笑話：The Doctor Knows Better

　　A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."

　　"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.

　　Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."

　　"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"

　　一個(gè)男人在街上被出租車撞倒送進(jìn)了醫(yī)院。他的妻子站在他的床前對(duì)醫(yī)生說(shuō)：“我想他傷得很厲害。”

　　醫(yī)生說(shuō)：“恐怕他已經(jīng)死了。”

　　聽(tīng)到醫(yī)生的話，這個(gè)男人轉(zhuǎn)動(dòng)著頭說(shuō)：“我沒(méi)死，我還活著。”

　　妻子說(shuō)：“安靜，醫(yī)生比你懂得多。”

　　英語(yǔ)搞笑冷笑話：I Don't Need to Steal Any More

　　The owner of a large department store went over hisbooks and discovered that his most trusted employee had stolenover a million dollars from the firm.“I want no scandal，” saidthe owner.“I'll just fire you.” The employee replied，“True，I robbed your firm of quitea tidy sum. I now have yachts， a country mansion， jewelry，and every luxury you can think of. I don't need a thing， sowhy hire somebody else and have him start from scratch?”

　　一家大百貨店的老板在查帳中發(fā)現(xiàn)，他最信任的雇員從公司偷走了一百多萬(wàn)美元。“我不要丑聞。”老板說(shuō)。“我只要開(kāi)除你。”那個(gè)雇員回答說(shuō)：“不錯(cuò)，我是偷了你公司相當(dāng)一大筆錢?，F(xiàn)在我有游艇、一座鄉(xiāng)村別墅、珠寶，以及你能想到的一切 奢侈品。我什么都不需要了，你為什么要再雇個(gè)人來(lái)，讓他從頭做起呢?”

英語(yǔ)搞笑冷笑話：

　　Oh，nothing，said Aunt Rebecca，only thought may be we ought to kill them two Rhode Island Red chickens.

　　But，Rebecca，said Uncle Silas，how can you blame them two Rhode Island Red chickens for what happened thirty years ago?

　　賽拉斯大叔點(diǎn)燃了煙斗想好好吸一口，麗貝卡大媽織著毛衣抬眼說(shuō)：賽拉斯，你知不知道下星期日是我們結(jié)婚三十周年?

　　老天哪，賽拉斯說(shuō)，是嗎?那又怎么樣?

　　噢，沒(méi)什么，麗貝卡大媽應(yīng)道，我只是想，也許我們?cè)摪涯莾芍涣_得島紅雞宰了。

　　可是，麗貝卡，賽拉斯大叔說(shuō)，你怎么能夠把三十年前發(fā)生的事怪到那兩只羅得島紅雞的頭上呢?