下面是學(xué)習(xí)啦小編整理的英語搞笑冷笑話，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　英語搞笑冷笑話:Contented Married Life

　　A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life, "My wife makes all the small decisions," he explained, "and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other's business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments."

　　"That sounds reasonable," answered his friend sympathetically. "And what sort of decisions does your wife make?"

　　"Well," answered the man, "she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays, and things like that."

　　His friend was surprised. "Oh?" he said. "And what do you consider important decisions then?"

　　"Well," answered the man, "I decide who should be Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that."

　　令人滿意的婚姻生活

　　一個(gè)男人告訴他的朋友自己婚姻幸福美滿的秘密，“小事都由我妻子決定，”他解釋說：“而我只管大事，我們從不互相干涉，從不生對(duì)方的氣。我們從來沒有抱怨、沒有爭吵。”

　　“聽起來很有道理，”他的朋友深有同感，“有哪些事情由你妻子作決定呢?”

　　“嗯，”那個(gè)人回答說：“她決定我申請(qǐng)什么工作，我們住什么房子，買什么家具，去哪里度假這些事情。”

　　他的朋友很驚奇的問道：“哦?那么你決定哪些重要事情?”

　　“嗯，”他回答：“我決定誰來當(dāng)首相，我們是否要增加對(duì)貧困國家的援助，怎么處理原子彈等等這些問題。”

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：Three Men in a Boat

　　Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.

　　A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.

　　"Oh yes, " he said. "They are my friends.

　　"In that case, " warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"

　　"Yes, sir, " the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

　　三人同舟

　　三位男子在公園的長椅上坐著。中間的一個(gè)在讀報(bào)紙，另外兩個(gè)在假裝釣魚。他們給想象的魚鉤上魚餌，放線，并卷線把魚抓上來。

　　一位過路警察駐足觀察了這個(gè)景象，他問中間的那個(gè)男子是否認(rèn)識(shí)其他兩位。

　　“喔，認(rèn)識(shí)，”他說，“他們是我的朋友。”

　　“那樣的話，”警察告誡說，“你最好把他們從這里弄走。”

　　“好的，警官。”那男子回答說，接著就開始瘋狂般地做起劃槳的動(dòng)作來。

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：Quick Cleanup

　　快速清掃

　　Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."

　　不速之客就在路上，我媽媽，一個(gè)完美的家庭主婦，正忙里忙外地整理。她分配給我爸和我哥哥的任務(wù)是打掃供客人使用的浴室。一會(huì)兒之后，當(dāng)她去檢查的時(shí)候，她吃驚了，曾經(jīng)一度雜亂的房間瞬間就被打掃干凈了。接著她看到浴簾上有一張紙條，紙條上寫著：“謝謝你沒往浴缸里看。”

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：Talking on the Telephone

　　Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story. Once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer.

　　"You talk to people on the telephone and don't see them on the other end of the line, right?" he began.

　　The children nodded yes. "Well, talking to God is like talking on the telephone. He's on the other end, but you can't see him. He is listening though."

　　Just then a little boy piped up and asked, "What's his number?"

　　在電話中交談 　　每個(gè)星期天牧師都會(huì)把孩子們叫到教堂前面，然后給他們講一個(gè)故事。一天，他為了更好地闡述祈禱的含義，帶來了一臺(tái)電話機(jī)。

　　“你們和別人在電話里交談，并沒有看到電話線另一端的人，對(duì)嗎?”他開始問道。孩子們點(diǎn)頭稱是。“好的，和上帝交談就象通過電話交談一樣。他就在另一端，雖然你看不見他，但是他正在聆聽你的心聲。”

　　就在這時(shí)，一個(gè)小男孩尖著嗓子問道：“那他的電話號(hào)碼是什么?”

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：他們都在這里

　　The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell. So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?" George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!"

　　典獄長對(duì)獄中一位囚犯深感同情，因?yàn)槊糠曛苣┑奶皆L日，大多數(shù)囚犯都有家人或朋友來訪，但是可憐的喬治總是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。因此在一個(gè)探訪日，典獄長把喬治叫到辦公室說：“喬治，我注意到從來沒有人來探望過你。”他滿懷同情地把手放在喬治的肩膀上：“告訴我，你沒有任何朋友或家人嗎?”喬治回答：“喔!當(dāng)然有，典獄長，只不過他們?nèi)荚谶@里面!”

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：狗娘養(yǎng)的

　　my father, who was 14 years old than my mother, had been working on his will. at a family dinner he told us that he had provided well for mother, but the family home would go to us five children if she remarried.我爸比我媽大14歲，最近一直在寫遺囑。一次家宴上，他告訴我們說他為母親以后的生活作好了安排，但如果她改嫁的話，家里的房子將歸我們五個(gè)孩子所有。"i don't want another s.o.b. toasting his shins around my fireplace," he explained.“我可不愿意另外哪個(gè)狗娘養(yǎng)的在我的火爐旁烤他的狗腿，”他解釋道。with a sly grin, mother

　　cracked, "what makes you think i'd marry another s.o.b?"媽媽狡猾地咧了咧嘴，譏誚道：“你怎么認(rèn)為我會(huì)再嫁給一個(gè)狗娘養(yǎng)的?”

　　英語搞笑冷笑話：瞎子的判斷

　　Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he

　　stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.

　　從前有個(gè)瞎子。一天，他正在行路時(shí)踩著了一只正在睡覺的狗的腦袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一陣。這人又往前走，這回踩著的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起來。瞎子以為還是那條狗，驚詫地說：奇怪，這只狗可真夠長的。