下面是學(xué)習(xí)啦小編整理的英語爆笑冷笑話，希望對大家有幫助。

　　英語爆笑冷笑話：

　　The Name of a PoetOur teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today. “It works like this，” she said.“Suppose you wanted tore member the name of a poet—Robert Burns，for instance.”She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns.“Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman，a bobby in flames.See?Bobby Burns!” “I see what you mean，” said the class know it all.“But how can you tell that it's Not Robert Browning?”

　　我們的老師正在給我們介紹現(xiàn)在某些學(xué)校使用的一種新的記憶訓(xùn)練系統(tǒng)。“這個系統(tǒng)是這樣的，”她說。“假定你要記住一個詩人的名字——例如，要記住羅伯特·彭斯的名字。”她告訴我們把他當作博比·彭斯。“讓你的腦海里閃現(xiàn)出一個倫敦警察的形象，燃燒著的警察。明白嗎?警察燃燒!” “我明白你的意思，”班上的萬事通說。“但是你怎么能說那就不是羅伯特·布朗寧呢?”

　　英語爆笑冷笑話：

　　No matter which girl he brought home， the young man found disapproval from his mother. A friend gave him advice. “Find a girl just like your mother—then she's bound to like her. So the young man searched and searched， and finally found the girl.He told his friendly adviser： “Just like you said， I found a girl who looked，talked，dressed， and even cooked like mother.And just as you said，mother liked her” “So，”asked the friend，“what happened?” “Nothing，”said the young man.“My father hates her!”

　　無論帶哪一個女孩回家，這位青年人總會遭到母親的反對。一位朋友勸他說： “找一個和你母親一樣的女孩——那她一定會喜歡她。” 于是這位青年人不停地找啊找，終于找到了這么個女孩。 正像你說的那樣，我找到一個長相、談吐、穿著打扮，甚至連烹飪都和我母親一樣的女孩。也正像你說的那樣，我母親喜歡她。” “那后來呢?”朋友問。 “沒什么，”青年人說。“我父親討厭她!”

　　英語爆笑冷笑話：

　　A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor. “When I was first married，I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my slippers.Now everything's changed.When I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me.” “I don't know what you're complaining about，”said the counselor.“You're still getting the same service.”

　　一個結(jié)婚十年的男人正在請教一位婚姻顧問。“剛結(jié)婚那會兒，我非常幸福。我在店里勞累一天回到家，我的小狗會繞著我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子給我拿來拖鞋?，F(xiàn)在一切都變了。我回到家里，我的狗給我拿來拖鞋，我的妻子對著我汪汪叫。” “我不知道你在抱怨什么，”婚姻顧問說。“你得到的服務(wù)還是一樣的呀。”

　　英語爆笑冷笑話：

　　A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. "Don't you know what the blinkin

　　g lights and siren mean?" he demanded.

　　"Yes, sir," replied the driver.

　　"Then why didn't you pull over immediately?"

　　"I would have, officer, " the man said. "But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you were bringing her back.

　　一位公路巡警截住了一個超速司機。“難道你不知道閃爍燈和警笛的意思嗎?”他責問道。

　　“知道，長官，”司機回答說。

　　“那你為什么不立即靠邊停車?”

　　“我本來想這樣做的，長官。”那男子回答說，“但上個月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她帶回來。”

　　英語爆笑冷笑話：

　　The New Baby Mr.and Mrs.Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat.Now Mrs.Taylor was expecting another child. Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too. One evening Mr.and Mrs.Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival.“This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，”said Mr.Taylor. Pat came into the room just then and said，“What are you talking about?”“We were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，”his mother answered. “ It's no use，”said Pat hopelessly.“ He'll follow us there.”

　　泰勒夫婦有一個七歲的男孩，名叫帕特?，F(xiàn)在泰勒太太正懷著第二胎。 帕特在別人家看見過嬰兒，他不太喜歡他們，所以他對自己家里也將有一個嬰兒的消息感到不滿。 一天晚上，泰勒夫婦正在為這個嬰兒的降生計劃做安排。泰勒先生說：“有了嬰兒，我們的房子就太小，不夠住了。” 帕特恰好在這個時候走進屋，他問：“你們在說什么?”他的母親回答說：“我們在說我們現(xiàn)在得搬家，因為嬰兒就要誕生了。” “那沒用，”帕特絕望地說。“他會跟我們到那兒去的。”

　　英語爆笑冷笑話：

　　Seth Smith was reckoned the laziest man in town. Sotired had the authorities become of contributing to his supportthat they decided to consign him to a living tomb. Accordinglyhe was prepared for burial. The hearse was an old ramshacklecountry wagon. As the strange cortege moved along some old residentasked，“Who is it?” “Why，Seth Smith， who is too lazy to get anything to liveon， so we are going to bury him alive.” “I'll give him a bushel of corn，” said one.“And I will，”said another. Slowly raising his head， Seth asked：“Is the corn shelled，neighbor?” “No，you must do that yourself.” Gently replacing his head， he said：“ Drive on， boys，drive on.”

　　塞思·史密斯被公認為鎮(zhèn)上頭號懶人。長官們實在懶得再供養(yǎng)他，便決定把他送進一個天然墳?zāi)估锶?。于是他被準備著去埋葬，靈車是一輛搖搖晃晃的鄉(xiāng)下舊馬車。正當這列奇怪的送葬隊伍在行進時，一些老街坊問道：“這是誰啊?”“唉，塞思·史密斯，他懶得沒法活了，我們這就去把他活埋。”“我來給他一蒲式耳谷子吧，”一個人說。“我也給，”另一個說。 塞思慢慢抬起頭來問道：“谷子脫粒了嗎，街坊?” “沒有，你得自己來。”他緩緩把頭放回原處說：“接著走吧，孩子們，接著走吧。”

　　英語爆笑冷笑話：Christmas Eve Service平安夜禮拜

　　Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?" A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"

　　就在我開始平安夜禱告時，教堂停電了。教堂里的接待人員和我找到一些蠟燭，把它們放在禮堂周圍。然后我重返講道壇，整理了一下筆記后，我說：“剛才我講到哪兒了?”傳來一陣不耐煩的聲音：“馬上就講完了!”

　　英語爆笑冷笑話：Now We Run 現(xiàn)在我們跑吧

　　A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow, places his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles and asks, "And now what, my little man?" The boy replies, "Now we run!"

　　一個牧師正沿著街走路，這時他看到街對面有個小男孩正試圖按一所房子的門鈴。但這個小孩太小了，門鈴又高，他夠不著?？吹侥莻€小男孩費了很多勁，牧師走近了他。牧師優(yōu)雅地穿過馬路，走到小家伙的背后，輕輕地把手放在小男孩肩頭，按響了門鈴。他彎下身子，微笑著問道：“接下來怎么辦，孩子?”小男孩回答說：“接下來我們跑。”