經(jīng)典英語笑話

　　下面是學(xué)習(xí)啦小編整理的經(jīng)典英語笑話，以供大家學(xué)習(xí)參考。

　　經(jīng)典英語笑話：A Life for a Life(以“命”抵命)

　　The English author，Richard Savage，was once living in London in great poverty.In order to earn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life，but not many copies of the bookhad been sold in the shops，and Savage was living from hand tomouth.As a result of his lack of food he became very ill，butafter a time，owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him，he got well again.After a week or two the doctorsent a bill to Savage for his visits， but poor Savage hadn't anymoney and couldn't pay it.The doctor waited for another month and sent the bill again. But still no money came. Afterseveral weeks he sent it to him again asking for his money.Inthe end he came to Savage's house and asked him for payment，saying to Savage，“You know you owe your life to me and Iexpected some gratitude from you.” “I agree，” said Savage，“that I owe my life to you， and toprove to you that I am not ungrateful for your work I will givemy life to you.”With these words he handed to him two volumes entitled，The life of Richard Savage.

　　英國作家理查德·薩維奇一度在倫敦過著貧困潦倒的生活，為了賺幾個錢，他曾寫了有關(guān)他自己生平的故事。但是這部書在書店里并沒有賣出幾本，薩維奇過著朝不保夕的日子。由于缺乏食物，他病得很厲害。后來，由于給他治療的那個醫(yī)生的高明醫(yī)術(shù)，他才又恢復(fù)了健康。過了一兩個星期之后，醫(yī)生給薩維奇送來了一張討要診費的帳單，但是貧窮的薩維奇沒有錢來償付。醫(yī)生等了一個月后又送來了帳單，但仍然未索回分文。幾個星期之后，他又送來帳單要錢。最后，醫(yī)生本人來到了薩維奇的家中，對他說：“你明白，你是欠我一條命的，我希望你有所報答。” “是的，”薩維奇說，“我是欠你一條命，為了向你證明我對你的診治不是不報答，我將把我的命給你。” 說著這番話，薩維奇遞給醫(yī)生兩卷書，名叫《理查德·薩維奇的一生》。

　　經(jīng)典英語笑話：What Was It She Wanted?

　　A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer.“No，ma’am， we haven't had any for a while， and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon.” Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，“Of course， we'll have somesoon， We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：“Never， never， never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now whatwas it she wanted?” “Rain.” said the clerk.

　　一個商店經(jīng)理聽見一個店員對顧客說：“不，夫人，這會兒沒有，一時半會兒看來也不會有。”經(jīng)理驚恐萬分地跑到顧客跟前說：“當(dāng)然，馬上就會有的。我們上周訂了貨。”然后經(jīng)理把店員拉到一邊：“千萬，千萬，千萬不要說我們沒有什么——說我們已經(jīng)訂了貨，貨馬上就到?，F(xiàn)在你說她要買什么?” “雨，”店員說。

　　經(jīng)典英語笑話：A preacher is buying a parrot 傳教士買鸚鵡

　　A preacher is buying a parrot

　　Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher.

　　Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him.

　　Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.

　　Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?

　　I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.

　　一個傳教士在買鸚鵡

　　“你確信它不會尖叫，大叫或詛咒別人嗎?”傳教士問。

　　“哦，絕對不會。它是一只虔誠的鸚鵡。”店主保證說。

　　“你看見它腿上的這些細(xì)繩了嗎?當(dāng)你拉動右面的這根，它會背誦天主經(jīng)，當(dāng)你拉動左面的那根，它會背誦贊美詩”

　　“太棒了!”傳教士說，“但是如果我同時拉動兩條繩子，會發(fā)生什么呢?”

　　“我會從樹干上掉下去的，你這個笨蛋!”鸚鵡尖聲說道。

　　經(jīng)典英語笑話：How can I get into heaven 我怎么才能上天堂

　　"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

　　"No!" the children all answered.

　　"If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

　　Again, the answer was, "No!"

　　"Well, " I continued, "then how can I get into heaven?"

　　A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

　　“如果我把房子和車賣了，在車庫舉行義賣, 并把所有的錢給窮人，我能進(jìn)天堂嗎?”我問主日學(xué)校的孩子。

　　孩子們齊聲回答：“不能!”

　　“那如果我每天都打掃教堂，給院子的草坪割草，并且把東西都收拾得干凈整潔，我會上天堂嗎?”

　　回答還是：“不能!”“好吧， ”我繼續(xù)問, “那我要怎樣才能升天堂呢?”

　　一個五歲的男孩兒叫道：“你得死了才行!”

　　經(jīng)典英語笑話：I Want Her to go Nuts

　　Mrs. Flinders decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

　　"But you're not wearing any of those things."

　　"I know," said Mrs. Flinders." It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'd remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

　　福林德斯夫人決定讓人給她畫肖像。她告訴那位肖像畫家說：“畫我?guī)е@石耳環(huán)、鉆石項鏈、祖母綠手鐲，還有紅寶石垂飾。”

　　“但你現(xiàn)在沒帶這其中的任何一樣飾品。”

　　“我知道。”福林德斯夫人說，“萬一我先我丈夫死去，我肯定他會立刻再婚。我要讓那個女人為尋找這些珠寶而發(fā)瘋。”

　　經(jīng)典英語笑話：是哪兩個詞?

　　What Are The Two Words?A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter.“My dear，” said the old lady，“I wish you would do something for me.I wish you would promise me never to use two words.One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’.Would you promise me that? “Why，sure，Granny，”said the girl.“What are the two words?”

　　一個非常高貴的老夫人有幾句話要對她的孫女說。“我親愛的，”老夫人說：“我希望你能幫我一個忙。我要你答應(yīng)永遠(yuǎn)不要用兩個詞。一個是‘討厭的’，另一個是‘極好的’。你能答應(yīng)我嗎?” “噢，當(dāng)然，奶奶。”女孩說：“是哪兩個詞?”

　　經(jīng)典英語笑話：兩顆番茄

　　he first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: "we are not tomatoes? We can talk?"

　　兩顆番茄去逛街，第一顆番茄突然走得很快，第二顆番茄就問：“我們要去哪里?” 第一顆番茄沒有回答，第二顆番茄又問了一次。 第一顆番茄還沒回答，所以第二顆番茄又問了一次。 第一顆番茄終于慢慢轉(zhuǎn)頭說：“我們不是番茄嗎?我們會說話嗎?”

　　經(jīng)典英語笑話：相同的職責(zé)

　　The Same DutiesA retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

　　相同的職責(zé)一個退休的四星級將軍在曼哈頓的一個酒吧偶然地遇到了他以前的勤務(wù)兵，勤務(wù)兵也退休在家。這位將軍花了一整個晚上的時間來說服他回來做他的貼身隨從。“你的職責(zé)與在軍隊時完全一樣，”將軍說，“這沒什么，你很快就會再次理解它的。” 第二天早晨八點鐘時，前勤務(wù)兵迅速地進(jìn)到前將軍的臥室，拉開窗簾，輕輕地?fù)u了搖將軍，然后大步走到床的另一側(cè)，在他雇主的妻子屁股上拍了一下，說道：“好了，甜心，你該回到村莊去了。”

　　經(jīng)典英語笑話：你爺爺

　　A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."Not like the way he talked, the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn't matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"The waiter replied with ease: "Nobody. Just your grandfather."

　　一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一進(jìn)飯店就大聲嚷嚷：“喂，有什么好菜盡管端上來，錢多少我不在乎。”服務(wù)員聽了很不是滋味：“哥兒們，錢多頂個屁，你不照樣得做別人的兒子，就是有人要你做孫子你也不敢不做!”年青人勃然大怒：“誰敢占老子的便宜?你說，是誰不要命了，膽敢要老子做他的孫子?”服務(wù)員慢條斯理地答道：“你爺爺!”

　　經(jīng)典英語笑話：她要買什么

　　A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer. No, ma’am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting soon.Horrified, the manager came runningover to the customer and said, Of course, we'll have somesoon, We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside: Never, never, never say we are out of anything say we've got it on order and it's coming.Now what was it she wanted? Rain, said the clerk.

　　一個商店經(jīng)理聽見一個店員對顧客說：不，夫人，這會兒沒有，一時半會兒看來也不會有。經(jīng)理驚恐萬分地跑到顧客跟前說：當(dāng)然，馬上就會有的。我們上周訂了貨。然后經(jīng)理把店員拉到一邊：千萬，千萬，千萬不要說我們沒有什么，說我們已經(jīng)訂了貨，貨馬上就到?，F(xiàn)在你說她要買什么? 雨，店員說。

　　經(jīng)典英語笑話：現(xiàn)在幾點了

　　The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldn't figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, "Start singing very loud."

　　"How will that help?" said the second boy.

　　"Just do it," insisted the first.

　　Both boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, "Keep it down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"

　　兩個男孩子在后院露營，他們不知道到了晚上幾點鐘。于是，一個男孩對另外一個說：“我們開始大聲唱歌就行了。”

　　“那就會知道時間嗎?”第二個男孩問。

　　“只管唱吧。”第一個堅持道。

　　兩個孩子開始大聲唱歌，過了一會兒，一個鄰居打開窗戶喊道：“小聲點!你們不知道現(xiàn)在是凌晨三點嗎?”

　　經(jīng)典英語笑話：是我把他晾干

　　Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

　　When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office.

　　"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead."

　　Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."

　　Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天，他們沿著醫(yī)院的游泳池散步，Jim突然跳入泳池的深水區(qū)，他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他，她潛到水底，把Jim拉了上來。

　　當(dāng)院長聽聞了Mary的英勇行為后，他立刻翻看了她的病歷檔案,把她叫進(jìn)了自己的辦公室.

　　“Mary，我有一個好消息和一個壞消息要告訴你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人，這說明你的意識已經(jīng)恢復(fù)了，你可以出院了。壞消息就是，Jim，你救的那個病人，他還是用自己的浴袍帶子在浴室上吊自殺了。”

　　Mary說：“他沒有自殺，是我把他吊起來好讓他晾干。”