英語(yǔ)笑話(huà)是指以一句英文短語(yǔ)或一個(gè)英文故事讓說(shuō)話(huà)者和聽(tīng)者之間覺(jué)得好笑,或是產(chǎn)生幽默感,笑話(huà)是一種經(jīng)過(guò)藝術(shù)加工的語(yǔ)言形式,是藝術(shù)化的語(yǔ)言。下面是學(xué)習(xí)啦小編整理的英語(yǔ)爆笑笑話(huà)大全，歡迎大家閱讀!

　　英語(yǔ)笑話(huà)一：

　　What do I get? 我能得到什么?

　　Teacher: If I cut a beefsteak in half and then cut the half in half, what do I get?

　　老師：如果我把一塊牛排切成兩半的兩半，我能得到幾塊兒?

　　Tommy: Quarters.

　　湯米：四塊。

　　Teacher: And then if I cut it twice again?

　　老師：那我要是再切兩次，我能得到什么呢?

　　Tommy: Hamburger.

　　湯米：漢堡。

　　英語(yǔ)笑話(huà)二：

　　我知道你會(huì)幫我 I know I could count on you

　　Smith goes to see his boss in the front office. "Boss," he says: "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic(閣樓) and the garage."

　　"We're short-handed, Smith." the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

　　"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I know I could count on you!"

　　史密斯去找他的老板。“老板，我們家明天有很重的工作要做，我妻子讓我修閣樓和車(chē)庫(kù)。”

　　“可我們很缺人，史密斯。”老板答道，“我不可能放你的假。”

　　“謝謝，老板。”史密斯說(shuō)，“我就知道你會(huì)幫我。”

　　《律師、寶馬和胳膊》

　　A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

　　"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

　　"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

　　一個(gè)律師打開(kāi)他的寶馬車(chē)門(mén)，突然一輛汽車(chē)駛過(guò)來(lái)把門(mén)撞飛了，警察趕到現(xiàn)場(chǎng)，律師正痛苦地抱怨毀壞了他心愛(ài)的寶馬。

　　“警察同志，看看他們把我的車(chē)弄的!!!”律師哀怨地說(shuō)。

　　“你們律師真是物質(zhì)至上，我很不舒服!”警察反駁說(shuō)，“你這么關(guān)心你可惡的寶馬，你可能沒(méi)有注意到你的左胳膊也沒(méi)了。”

　　律師終于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的勞力士手表在哪兒?”

　　《狗住旅店》

　　一個(gè)人給一家他計(jì)劃在假期里停留的小旅館寫(xiě)了封信，“我非常希望帶著我的狗，它很干凈很有教養(yǎng)，你能允許它和我睡一間屋子嗎?”

　　旅館主人立即回了封信，“我經(jīng)營(yíng)旅館很多年了，狗從沒(méi)偷過(guò)毛巾，床單， 餐具，或者墻上的畫(huà)。我也從沒(méi)有在半夜因?yàn)楣泛茸砗[而趕走它，狗也從不不付帳就跑掉。實(shí)際上我們非常歡迎您的狗來(lái)我們旅館，如果它為您擔(dān)保，也歡迎您來(lái)。

　　A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

　　An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

　　1、The mean man's party

　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?

　　吝嗇鬼請(qǐng)客

　　一個(gè)出了名的吝嗇鬼終于決定要請(qǐng)一次客了。他在向一個(gè)朋友解釋怎么找到他家時(shí)說(shuō)：“你上到五樓，找中間那個(gè)門(mén)，然后用你的胳膊肘按門(mén)鈴。門(mén)開(kāi)了之后，再用你的腳把門(mén)推開(kāi)。”

　　“為什么要用我的肘和腳呢?”

　　“你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會(huì)空著手來(lái)吧?”吝嗇鬼回答。

　　2、I think that I'm a chicken

　　Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

　　Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

　　Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

　　Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

　　精神病醫(yī)師：你哪里不舒服?

　　病人：我認(rèn)為我是一只雞。

　　精神病醫(yī)師：這種情況從什么時(shí)候開(kāi)始的?

　　病人：從我還是一只蛋的時(shí)候開(kāi)始。

　　3、Who Is the Laziest?

　　Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

　　Tom: I don't know, father.

　　Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?

　　Tom: Our teacher, father.

　　中文：

　　父親：哎，湯姆，今天我跟你們老師談過(guò)，現(xiàn)在我想問(wèn)你個(gè)問(wèn)題。你們班上誰(shuí)最懶?

　　湯姆：我不知道，爸爸。

　　父親：啊，不對(duì)，你知道!想想看，當(dāng)別的孩子們都在做作業(yè)、寫(xiě)字時(shí)，誰(shuí)在課堂上坐著，只是看人家做功課?

　　湯姆：我們老師，爸爸。

　　4、Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

　　Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

　　Johnson: "But I want you to."

　　Wife: "But why?"

　　Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

　　譯文：

　　老農(nóng)約翰遜就要死了。他的家人都站在床邊。他聲音低沉地對(duì)妻子說(shuō)：“我死后，我想你嫁給農(nóng)夫瓊斯。”

　　妻子說(shuō)：“不，在你死后，我不能嫁給任何人。”

　　約翰遜：“但我希望你這么做。”

　　妻子：“為什么?”

　　約翰遜：“因?yàn)榄偹乖谝还P販馬的交易中欺騙了我。”

　　5、A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

　　一男子進(jìn)入教堂和上帝對(duì)話(huà).他問(wèn):"主啊, 一百萬(wàn)美元對(duì)你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問(wèn):"那一百萬(wàn)年呢?"上帝說(shuō):"一秒鐘."最后男子請(qǐng)求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過(guò)一秒鐘."