摘要：暢銷書《相愛一生》的作者Hendrix在上世紀(jì)70年代末開始研究這個問題，“夫妻間為什么會有爭斗”。在對幾千對夫妻進(jìn)行了研究和共事之后，他發(fā)現(xiàn)，那些婚姻悲劇的夫妻有10個共同的壞習(xí)慣，這可能導(dǎo)致他們分手或離婚。

　　Ever feel that your relationship suffers from aunique brand of frustration, tension, distance, orany number of other troubling feelings? The realityis, there is struggle in every romance. "If you areexperiencing disillusionment, well, join the humanrace" 。

　　Hendrix, author of the best selling book, Getting the Love You Want, started examining thequestion, "why do couples fight" in the late 1970s. After studying and working with thousandsof couples, he has found that there are 10 common bad habits couples engage in that makerelationships miserable and can lead to break-up or divorce。

　　你是否曾經(jīng)感覺自己的感情曾經(jīng)遭受沮喪，緊張，距離或其他負(fù)面情緒的困擾?事實(shí)是，在每段感情中這些糾結(jié)都不可避免。“如果你正在經(jīng)歷這種幻滅，那么說明你和大家都一樣” 。

　　暢銷書《相愛一生》的作者Hendrix在上世紀(jì)70年代末開始研究這個問題，“夫妻間為什么會有爭斗”。在對幾千對夫妻進(jìn)行了研究和共事之后，他發(fā)現(xiàn)，那些婚姻悲劇的夫妻有10個共同的壞習(xí)慣，這可能導(dǎo)致他們分手或離婚。

　　1. Be critical。

　　太嚴(yán)苛。

　　Even "constructive" criticism can make your partner defensive and reduce the feeling of safetyin a relationship. Being harsh and judgmental when angry can trigger a "fight or fightresponse."

　　哪怕是“建設(shè)性”的批評也會讓你的伴侶產(chǎn)生抵觸情緒，并降低二人關(guān)系之間的安全感。過于嚴(yán)厲和主觀，會讓憤怒引發(fā)一場“戰(zhàn)斗或戰(zhàn)斗反應(yīng)”。

　　2. Insist your partner be exactly the same as you。

　　堅(jiān)持讓你的伴侶和你一模一樣。

　　"Absolute compatibility" is an express route to a dull relationship. If you insist your partnerhave the same feelings and perceptions as you do, it can lead to despair and misery。

　　“絕對的一致”很快就會讓兩人的關(guān)系變得乏味。如果你堅(jiān)持讓你的伴侶擁有和你一樣的感覺和認(rèn)識，這會導(dǎo)致絕望和悲劇。

　　3. Flee from intimacy。

　　拒絕親密。

　　If you habitually avoid being physically or emotionally close with your partner throughescaping into work, hobbies, television, or other activities, you risk creating a divide betweenyou and your partner that may become impossible to breach。

　　如果你習(xí)慣性地避免和你的伴侶進(jìn)行身體或情感上的親密接觸，而選擇在工作、愛好、電視或其他活動中去逃避，你可能正在你和伴侶之間制造隔閡，而且這種隔閡可能會難以消除。

　　4. Play the blame game。

　　相互指責(zé)。

　　Using "you" language when upset will make your partner put up their defenses. When yourgoal is to communicate in a way that fosters intimacy, use statements that begin with "I feel"instead。

　　在感覺糟糕的時候用“你”這種表達(dá)會讓你的伴侶產(chǎn)生抵觸情緒。當(dāng)你的目標(biāo)是用一種能培養(yǎng)親密感的方式進(jìn)行溝通，換用“我感覺……”作為開頭試試。

　　5. Bargain。

　　做交易。

　　Both "giving conditionally and receiving cautiously" erode relationships. He warns against doingsomething for a partner only when you want something in exchange。

　　“有條件的給予和謹(jǐn)慎的接受”都會毀掉一段感情。Hendrix警告的是那些為伴侶做某件事只是為了交換另一件事的人。

　　6. Be casual about romance。

　　對于浪漫過于隨意。

　　No relationship can be spontaneously joyful forever. Once the initial excitement of a newromance wears off, some couples think their relationship is over and give up trying. They riskmissing out on experiencing a deeper kind of love。

　　沒有感情可以永遠(yuǎn)自然地保持快樂。一旦一段新感情最初的激動消退，一些情侶就認(rèn)為他們的關(guān)系已經(jīng)結(jié)束了，而且放棄繼續(xù)嘗試。他們可能會錯過經(jīng)歷一段更深層的愛。

　　7. Focus on the negative。

　　太過在意消極的情緒。

　　If you constantly think and talk about your partner's flaws it can amplify your discontent. Aparadox of most forms of couples therapy is that you spend your sessions complaining aboutyour partner—something that can actually be detrimental to your relationship。

　　如果你不停地考慮并談?wù)撃惆閭H的缺點(diǎn)，這會放大你的不滿。大多數(shù)情侶治療形式的一個悖論在于，你在治療期間抱怨你的另一半，而這其實(shí)會損害你們的感情。

　　8. Refuse to listen。

　　拒絕傾聽。

　　Thinking you are the right all the time and engaging in a one-way monologue is a great wayto end up in a relationship…of one。

　　認(rèn)為自己任何時候都是正確的，而且只顧著自己說話，這是毀掉一段感情的好辦法。

　　9. Hide your needs。

　　隱藏自己的需求。

　　If you don't express what you need and want to your partner, you'll constantly feel deprivedand frustrated. It's crucial share "the things that truly touch your heart."

　　如果你從不對伴侶表達(dá)你需要什么想要什么，你會一直感覺到不滿和沮喪。分享那些“真正觸動你內(nèi)心的東西” 是非常重要的。

　　10. Expect a fairytale romance。

　　期待童話般的感情。

　　Fairy tales are just that and eventually we all have to come down to earth. Demanding thefantasy go on forever prevents your partner from ever being their authentic self and fostersresentment and distance。

　　童話只是童話，最終我們都要回歸現(xiàn)實(shí)。希望幻想一直延續(xù)會讓你的伴侶永遠(yuǎn)無法做真實(shí)的自己，會給你們帶來怨恨和距離。